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Posts: 68
Posted: Tuesday, August 01, 2017 03:53:14 AM
Forget mullets and man-buns – only one hairstyle for men is truly
Obviously, Joe, the answer to your question is yes, but first I must take
issue with your contention that mullets and man-buns have been “redeemed” by
hipsters and that this now makes them OK. Repeat after me, Joe: just because
something has been in GQ does not make it good. In fact, some might argue that
it proves the contrary, but that is a subject for another day. The point is that
it would go against everything I stand for if I let you walk away thinking a
man-bun is acceptable because Shia LaBoeuf is wearing one in GQ, Esquire, or
whatever magazine you picked up in the dentist’s waiting room. (Mullets,
actually, I have a soft spot for, although a formative crush on Patrick Swayze
may be to blame for that.)
But let’s talk about a genuinely unforgivable men’s hairstyle, which I call
“rich ****” hair. You know the kind: the weird-slicked-back hair that you
thought only someone dressing up as Gordon Gekko for Halloween would adopt. It
is an extraordinary look, that wet, shellacked look, and just the ticket if you
prefer to look as if you are sporting the shell of a polished walnut on your
head instead of actual hair. Who on earth would want to look like that, you cry?
Rich ****s is the answer!
The currently somewhat beleaguered Donald Trump Jr, as well as his younger
brother, Eric, are probably the most high-profile US fans of the style since
Patrick Bateman. I had thought British supporters of the look had disappeared
with the glory days of Alan B’Stard, but then a chap by the name of James Stunt
came to my attention. Stunt, a name that confirms cockney rhyming slang is alive
and well in this country, is the imminently ex-husband of Petra Ecclestone, and
a man so extraordinary that he has managed to make his
soon-to-be-ex-father-in-law, Bernie Ecclestone, the sympathetic, sensible, good
guy in this scenario. Hats off, James, for this incredible feat.
As this is a divorce case involving £5.5bn and more lawyers than I can shake
a libel breach at, I shall pick my way carefully through the details of the life
of Stunt, sticking to the highlights.
1 I first became aware of Stunt in 2014 when photos emerged of him going for
a casual afternoon shopping trip in London. This trip necessitated him taking
his £350,000 Lamborghini while his security staff drove behind him in a fleet of
Rolls-Royces and Range Rovers. At once, I knew I had found my new favourite
2 Further investigation revealed that Stunt lived with his wife in the TV
producer Aaron Spelling’s former house in LA, which was exciting for me because
I have been fascinated with this 123-room house for decades, ever since I read
that it included a gift-wrapping room for Spelling’s wife. The Ecclestone-Stunts
bought it for $85m. They also bought a £70m mansion in Chelsea, and, because
that seemed a little poky, spent another £25m adding an underground car park and
a pool. No word yet on whether it came with a gift-wrapping room.
3 According to the Daily Mail, which has a real way with words when it comes
to sticking in the knife, Stunt tried to cultivate a “man-of-mystery act, but
fluctuating weight and a preference for shiny suits combine to give him the air
of a David Brent rather than a James Bond”.
4 Proving this column’s long-held theory that the bigger the wedding the
shorter the marriage, the wedding cost £12m and their union has lasted less than
six years, working out at £2m per year of wedded bliss. Yes, I can do maths.
5 It then emerged that Stunt was – and some of you might have seen this
coming – a complete schmuck.
6 Newspapers reported that at Stunt and Ecclestone’s divorce hearing he
“appeared to make a gun gesture at his father-in-law and knocked into him”. He
then addressed Bernie using a term I suspect Stunt is familiar with.
7 Bernie is said to be “thrilled” that he will no longer have to put up with
Stunt at family events. I have never felt more sympathy for Bernie.
8 Did I forget to mention that Stunt is never photographed without a dirty
plastic water bottle filled with some kind of cloudy liquid which is allegedly
lemon, cayenne pepper and maple syrup? I think I did.
9 Oh, and he is fond of giving the finger to photographers, because that’s
the kind of classy guy he is.
So, what I am saying, people, is do not think of “rich ****” hair as hair,
but more as a thoughtful warning not to go anywhere near this person. Spot the
slicked-back hair on Tinder? Learn from Petra (a phrase I never thought I would
say) and two words, ladies: swipe left.
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Posts: 64
Posted: Thursday, August 31, 2017 12:49:01 AM
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